You've got to move air to create low frequencies. That's the main reason you probably hear about 10" being a "minimally acceptable size". I don't care to argue about "slaved, servo'd, or passive radiator configurations" I just don't think two 6.5" drivers will ever match a 12", or even a 10".
This doesn't mean bigger is always better - in your case it sounds like your sub will have to serve double duty and reinforce music as well as HT LFE's. If you go too big you tend to lose "musicality". If your main speakers adequately cover the low end, that doesn't matter as much. In a dedicated HT the all important "train wreck" justifies two 15" subs.
10" : I use a 10" sub because my speakers only go down to 85Hz.(NO BASS) The 10" sub is able to go both ways helping to bolster the deficiencies of my satellites while the sub "attempts" to go higher. Meanwhile do I get every LFE nuance the sound engineer put on the movie track? No, but I have CHOSEN to compromise a little here. (However, when that sub is dialed up to 50% volume in my den, the floor in my upstairs master bedroom "swells": We're moving some air.)
"I therefore don't want a sub that will be too loud but I do want one which will be accurate, smooth and give some backup in the low end "
You can always adjust the crossover point to limit how low it goes (rattle factor) and attenuate the volume. Somewhere I saw an HT reciever that had a "night mode" (I'm paraphrasing) listening feature which automatically limited LFE's (and possibly volume?) if you chose to listen in that mode. You can just do the same thing manually.
Your Dali's go down to 42Hz, so it should be easier to "blend" and you might get away with a larger sub. (Do you have the Dali center as well?)
What I'm saying is: I don't envision you replacing your sub in 12 months when "the baby moves out of his nursery". Why not get enough now and tone it down until baby's ready to appreciate the LFE's contained in the "Thomas the Tank Engine" DVD.
"My "home theatre room" is a relatively large open plan L-shaped dining/kitchen/living room area"
Your open plan (like mine) is an anti-containment device for LFE's. In other words it "leaks bass". Another reason to consider buying ENOUGH Sub: To be able to afford some loss. A quick analogy from the car audio realm: It's fairly easy to get deep bass in almost any car, EXCEPT a convertible.
"keeping the other half happy is mighty important"Thatta' girl !! My wife LIKES my equipment.(KEEPER!)
If you've been reading the responses to the various subwoofer related posts you already know of my affinity for MOST things NHT.(
Now
Hear
This)
Subliminal suggestion: Listen to a SW10.
I can however somewhat justify this zombie like loyalty; Their products (the ones I've purchased) usually get good reviews and by some coincidence when I listen to them I find myself recalling passages from the reviews. Does this mean I'm susceptible to the power of suggestion? Maybe, but I think it's because there's some "there there". (The price is reasonable and the return on investment is IMHO, high.)
I've never heard of any problem with Velodyne's foam surround. (I did read of one problem, but it was related to mechanical damage (PUNCTURE!) coupled with improper long-term storage.) Velodyne's a fairly popular sub so you'd think it would be a well known issue.
Klipsch uses a butyl surround and they've got a new lineup of subs. I've heard them and I think I'd consider buying one if I were shopping.
I've not heard Jamo, but what I've read doesn't seem to hold much promise for HT enjoyment.
Yamaha: I love my Yamaha reciever but I don't think I'd trade my NHT sub for a YST-SW800. However it is bargain priced. Speaking of bargain pricing, have a look at Audio Research Subs.
When I've auditioned single driver dedicated subs the best results have always come from the notoriously obtrusive "squared up" cubes.
"However, I have only heard each of these subwoofers in different demonstration rooms."
My local dealer let me take home floor demo models over the weekend (he's closed Sunday) and return them on Monday. I had to make a task out of evaluating them: Movies on Saturday night, music on Sunday. It took two weekends and was an effort, but I forced myself to see it through.(Yeah! RIGHT!) Make 'em give you a test drive - tell 'em it'll make you a repeat customer.